The next day, I put the idea into action.

I called and made an appointment under a fake first and last name. I used a fake name because if he checked the appointment list in advance, he wouldn’t recognize me.

A few days later, as the appointment approached, I began to have doubts.

What if he disliked what I was doing?

But even if he did, it might still be worth seeing him in that situation.

Another reason I hesitated was that I was afraid I might hurt his feelings.

And there was another reason: perhaps, consciously or unconsciously, he might give me bad advice.

So I went, nervous and uncertain.

He looked at me and said, “Why are you here?”

I said, “You told me not to take advantage of your feelings for me. So please see me as a client too. Can you?”

With a teasing expression I said, “I’m not going to pay you to try your best.”

It was exactly what he had told me on the first day of my interview.

This time Matin burst out laughing.

I began telling him everything.

I told him about my doubts. About all the changes of direction I had made over the years, decisions that had seemed absolutely right at the time but that I later realized had been mistakes.

I told him about my struggle at that moment.

I told him how much I respected him, but that I didn’t love him.

I explained that I had no logical reason to reject his proposal, but I also had no desire to begin a marital relationship with him.

I told him I didn’t want to put on an act for him and had to tell him the truth.

And I told him I was genuinely afraid of myself and my decisions. I was afraid I would regret this one later too.

As I spoke, he kept his head down, apparently taking notes.

But the lines of his face showed that my words had hurt him.

When I finished, the first thing he asked was, “You said you aren’t involved with anyone right now. But is there someone you have feelings for?”

I hadn’t intended to tell him about Sina.

I didn’t want him to know that much about my inner world, and I didn’t want to hurt him.

I said, “I told you I’m not involved with anyone right now.”

“I understood that. I’m asking whether there is someone your heart is attached to.”

I considered lying.

He said again, “Please tell me the truth. My answer to your question depends on whether your heart is already somewhere else.”

“How?”

“Tell me first, and I’ll explain.”

So I told him about the man who had once proposed to me and whom I had rejected, and who had now become the invisible neighbor of my heart.

The man who sometimes did things and left me unable to tell whether they came from love or simply a sense of responsibility.

This time I saw Matin’s face genuinely change.

When I finished explaining, he said, “Mahta, I’m going to do my best to counsel you right now as a psychologist.